Fallout
by Fang lover23
Summary: "I know you're fine but what a fallout." RPS; James looks back on his relationships with his bandmates, but struggles to get over losing the love of his life to one of his other best friends. Jagan/Kogan, mentions of Cargan and Kames.


**So, hi. I know I haven't been on in a super long time, but school (and life) has really gotten to me these last few months. But...I'm an aunt now! :D**

**I won't really bore you with the other details since you probably don't want to hear about them, but this is my entry for BTR oneshot day today! I wasn't really gonna post it here because it's RPS, but my tumblr was being a butthead so I decided to just post it here anyway.**

**Hmm...first Jagan-ish thing I've written. But I ship Kogan. op.**

**I was super inspired the other day after I listened to/watched the music video for the song "Fallout" by Marianas Trench. Such a beautiful piece of work, and I literally feel like crying every time I listen to it.**

**Anyway, on with the story! Please enjoy!**

* * *

><p>James has been carrying around a heavy heart for a while now.<p>

But why should he be feeling this way? There was the new CD, the show, the movie, the upcoming tour…what's not to be excited about?

A broken heart, that's what.

He could still remember the first time he'd laid eyes on Logan. They had instantly clicked, along with Carlos, but some element of their group just didn't seem right when they had Curt.

Then _he_ came along.

Kendall Schmidt, Mr. Green Eyes, the hippie of the quartet, Mr. Chill. He was exactly what the band needed, and James, Logan, and Carlos never regretted their decision to bring Kendall into their group. Surprisingly, James had somewhat gravitated toward Kendall, but it was hard not to be drawn in to that quirky little blond.

One night when the boys had a break during first season, they had all gathered at Kendall's house to just sit and talk and get to know each other better. All four of them had admitted at some point that they were all a little "curious", but had never really been able to try anything with another guy. No, they didn't make a pact to try it out with each other; but they did express that there was no awkwardness, and if something _were_ to happen between any two of them, then they'd just let it be and see where it went.

That was when James had actually looked at Kendall in a different light. He became closer with him, and their close bond was slightly reflected in the TV show. After they finished filming "Big Time Fever", the two had had a boys weekend- Logan and Carlos having their own- and raided their parents liquor cabinets. Though slightly inebriated, Kendall and James both _definitely_ remembered kissing one another that night. They fooled around a few times after that, but nothing close to a real relationship ever came out of that.

That was also the same time when Logan and Carlos had a small fling going as well. Though, just like James and Kendall, nothing ever really came out of it. But all four boys shared their experiences with each other, instantly becoming closer by having been through this kind of "exploring".

Sometime later, James began to look at Logan differently. It must have been during season two filming; after all, the _sexual innuendos_ were numerous and they usually revolved around what their fangirls liked to call the "Jagan ship". James really did fall for those cute dimples and that faint Texas accent, and he always got a kick out of Logan calling him "Jims".

This time, he actually _had_ done something with Logan. Somehow they had hidden their entire relationship from the rest of the cast and crew (minus Kendall and Carlos) and had only told each of their parents about their love for one another. As much as the idea was a bit foreign to each family at first, there had been nothing but outpourings of support.

But after filming Big Time Sneakers, everything went downhill for the duo. They constantly fought, never seemed to be happy together on set, and James had noticed that Logan seemed a bit detached from him. It saddened him greatly, but he had to step up and let Logan know how uncomfortable he was with their situation. Logan was just as upset with where their relationship was heading, so after much talking, they both decided that it was best if they split up; luckily, they bounced back to being friends rather quickly, but that only put the final nail in the coffin of James' theory that they were never really all that compatible from the start. He may have been saddened by that fact, but he was never bitter about the end of their relationship.

Then James noticed that Logan was always spending an _awful_ lot of time with Kendall. The two would always sneak out to be alone, and James and Carlos found out why when they caught them making out in an alley behind their studio on the Paramount lot. That was when Logan and Kendall confessed that they were trying things out with each other and that it seemed to be working out extremely well.

Why couldn't James have caught it before? How could he have forgotten the Fanlala interview, or all the tweets those two shared between each other? How Kendall seemed to have a more intimate hold on the shorter male when they stood next to each other in pictures. No matter where they went or who they were with, Kendall and Logan _did_ always appear more comfortable around each other. James now remembered all the odd looks Logan gave Kendall when they were asked about girlfriends during interviews, or the way they seemed to gravitate toward one another; how they looked vaguely heartbroken when they couldn't sit together at signings.

James sobbed himself to sleep every night for a week after the revelation.

At least he had got the heartache out of his system. But the feeling that he'd been stupid enough to believe that he and Logan would have ever lasted never went away. James didn't really know _what_ to believe; he knew Kendall was not trying to spite him, and looking back on it, the "Jagan" relationship had not really lasted all that long to begin with. "Kogan" had been going strong now for well over five months- more than twice the time that Logan and James had been together.

It just hurt that those two could be a little more public about their feelings, but that didn't mean they had admitted it to the media yet. And James could understand. It was hard in this day and age to fess up to something of that magnitude, _especially_ since they were in the spotlight.

And now here they were, about ready to go on a major headlining tour.

As he sat alone in his and Carlos's bus (Carlos was taking the dogs on a walk at the moment), his ipod was betraying him. He was ready to chuck it out the window for what it was playing now.

_I'm awake, and trying, while you're sleeping like a babe beside him._

As of late, James's deep-buried resentment and bitterness toward Logan was bubbling to the surface again, and he hated that these feelings were happening in the first place. He was happy for Logan and Kendall!

Wasn't he?

_And I know you see me, and you're making it look so easy. What comes and goes I'd go without. I know you're fine but what a fallout._

James couldn't help but connect with those lyrics, and no matter how much he hated that the song rang so true for him, he couldn't bring himself to take it off his ipod. He really didn't have _that _many feelings for Logan anymore; it was more along the lines of a "I miss him but I don't really want to get back together with him" feeling.

He decided to head over to the "Kogan" bus to just sit down and hang out with Logan; they never did get to be around each other a lot anymore, so now was as good a time as ever.

Walking out, he noticed the other bus jostling just slightly, and James struggled to hold back the tiny bit of revulsion working its way up his windpipe. A minute later Kendall emerged from the bus, happily acknowledging James as he passed by. Logan came out seconds after, looking disheveled and like he had a fever. James took in the sight of the kiss-swollen lips, the multitude of barely concealed hickeys, the sex hair, and the slight limp Logan had going and immediately turned around to go right back to his bunk and never come out.

Logan noticed the hasty retreat and went right after him, grabbing James' arm and turning him around. "James! What's wrong, man?"

Now James thought there was no point in hiding his bitterness. "Well, I _was_ gonna just come over here so we could hang but I saw you were a little…busy," he said as he glanced in the direction that Kendall had departed to.

Not wanting to cause a scene with production people _everywhere_ around them, Logan hurried them both onto James' bus for some privacy. He let go of James' arm, but then held his ground in front of him. "Okay, James, what the hell? Why are you still acting like this?"

"Like what?" James countered angrily. "Like I've been watching the guy I used to love, and still have the _tiniest_ feelings for, be with another guy for the past however many months? And now I find out they're having sex with each other?" He tried pushing the lump in his throat away; he was _not_ going to cry in front of Logan. He took a breath to try and calm himself. "How long?" he asked.

Logan raised an eyebrow. "How long what?" James gave him a look, and instantly Logan knew he was talking about the sex. "Oh, umm…a c-couple months." But he stopped and shot his gaze back to James. "Why don't _you_ tell me something, huh? Are you mad at me, or Kendall? Because it sure seems like that's the case either way."

"I don't know, okay? I'm so confused about everything right now!" James responded, raising his voice. "I am _so_ happy for you and Kendall, believe me. But it's just…there are times when I wish that was _me_ being with you again. I miss us."

Logan looked unsure of what to say. "B-but you told me you moved on, didn't you?"

"Well yeah, I did. I don't even know why I feel like I still have the slightest chance with you." He paused as he remembered what had just transpired moments ago, tears gathering in his hazel eyes. "A-and now th-that I know I can't be with you like K-Kendall has, and you'll never feel that way about me again…it just- it just _hurts_, Logan." He couldn't stop several tears from falling down his rosy cheeks as he let everything sink in. "I guess that I'm being super jealous and selfish, hoping that you would've at least wanted to try something like _that_ with me."

Logan was deeply saddened at seeing James so broken and vulnerable. "I'm so sorry, James," he began. "But you _know_ how I feel about Kendall." He looked away sheepishly. "He was my first," he whispered.

James knew Logan meant "first" as in the "losing your virginity" kind of first, but that didn't stop him from blowing up. "You were the first guy I had ever done anything with! Doesn't that count for something?"

"James, I never said I regret doing any of those things with you." Logan sighed deeply. "Of course I'll never forget you being _my_ first, too. Maybe not the first like Kendall is, but you were the first guy I had ever gone that far with at the time. You really helped me open up to who I am! You'll always have that special place in my heart. No matter what. But…it's just so hard seeing you like this because you're my best friend. And I hate to be the one breaking your heart; it honestly _pains_ me to watch your beautiful face knowing that I'm the one who's making you feel this way." He gathered James into an embrace. "I love Kendall, James, but that doesn't mean there isn't someone out there for you. It's just…not me."

James stepped out of the hug, a weary and defeated expression on his face. Logan continued talking. "I'll always love you as one of the best friends I've ever had; and of course, I'll always remember the fun times we had together as a couple." He smiled softly at James, hoping to elicit some sort of positive response out of him. "We can't really help who we fall in love with, man. But just know that I really don't want there to be any bad blood between us. I want to always be there for you! And who knows how long Kendall and I will last, but I hope to stay friends with all three of you through thick and thin. You only deserve the best, James. I'm sorry I couldn't be that for you."

He really hated when Logan was way too right, but James caved and realized that he needed to stop living in the past. He brought Logan back into his arms apologetically. Sighing, he said, "I'm sorry, Logan. I'll change now, and for the better. I just need to let you go. As much as I miss us, I know you're where you should be, and there really is someone out there for me."

Logan smiled into James' chest. "Good for you, James. I'm happy you're seeing it that way now."

"And tell Kendall I'm sorry if I ever acted like a jerk to him," James continued. "It really wasn't my intention, but you know how I can sometimes be…"

"Yeah, I do," Logan agreed.

There was a comfortable silence, but then James spoke up again. "So…where does that leave us?"

Logan thought for a minute before replying. "Biffles."

James backed up out of the embrace to stare down at Logan. "What the hell are you on, Henderson? What in the name of all that is holy is a 'biffle'?"

Logan chuckled. "Ya know…Best Friend For Life?"

"Oh. Well, in that case, yes. Of course we are biffles!"

"Now that we've got that all settled, we've got a show to put on!" Logan exclaimed.

Then they walked out of the bus, arms around each other's shoulders in a friendly gesture, as they walked toward a new day of taking one step at a time.

_I know you're fine but what a fallout._

* * *

><p><strong>If you heard that shattering sound, yeah...that was my heart. I bawled when I wrote this and it was so angsty that I almost (not really) considered jumping out my fourth-story window.<strong>

_**But the song works so perfectly for this situation I mean REALLY.**_

**So many ships in one story I can't even comprehend how I wrote this in the first place. Ahasldghasldkfhblkajfsd -dead-**

**But yeah. Review please? Maybe...? No? Okay.**


End file.
